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2011-02-14 7-52-46-

****** John Deer searching for his JOAN Deer! ****** There was a gas station in "rednec 3 minute dating Pleasant Plains IL k country" trying to increase its gas sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7)." "Sorry, no free sex this time, but maybe next time." Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged. He doesn't give away free sex." The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week." _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 32390 im Screen Name: terry_nyte _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu." First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the micro and said: Slowly across the desert sand, trekked a lonely caravan; Men on camels, by two, Destination Timbuktu. The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the micro and recited: Me and Tim a huntin' went. Met three whores in a pop up tent. They was three, and we was two, So I bucked one, and Timbuktu. The redneck won hands down! ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ~ When Dating a Redneck... ~ When dating a redneck, its important to keep a few things in mind. ** Brush up on your hunting and fishing skills. Any woman who can clean a fish will capture a redneck's heart. ** You'll impress your redneck if you can cook anything in the Elvis cookbook. Ribs or anything that invloves barbeque sauce will also be a big hit. ** When he says "Let's go make out at the tractor pull," don't laugh. He's not joking. ** If he gives you a gunrack for Christmas, it means he really loves you. ** Don't mock Elvis. Ever. ** Always keep plenty of Pabst six-packs and beef jerky in your fridge. ** Be prepared to watch a lot of professional wrestling. He'll think it's sexy. ** Before you kiss him, make sure he takes that toothpick out of his mouth. ** Be open-minded about the definition of romance. To him, it might mean spray-painting your name on a water tower. ** Don't offer to make curtains for his monster truck. The other guys will just hassle him. ** Make friends with his hunting dogs. They will more than likely come before you in most cases. ** Let go of the idea of changing his wardrobe. He takes pride in all the free T-shirts he can get from smoking packs of Marlbro a day. ** Get a good health insurance plan. His idea of fun might be to take you tornado chasing. ** If you are an animal-rights activist or a vegetarian, you might want to re-think your relationship. There's a good chance he's into taxidermy. ** Try not to make fun of the furniture in his living room. A cable spool makes a damn-cool end table. ** Don't expect diamond earrings on your birthday. He does most of his shopping in the same place he gets his motor oil. ** If he says you look like Daisy Duke, he's paying you an awfully high compliment. ** Lard is not a sex aid. ** When you ask to see his art, don't be surprised if the frame is a toilet seat, or if his masterpiece is painted on velvet. ** Being hog-tied is not the best form of foreplay. Watch out for rope burns. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ~ Western Romance and Redneck Dating Advice ~ It’s been said that a true southern lady could tell another woman to go to hell and make her look forward to the trip! I expect that’s the gospel truth and could be written in stone and set up at the edge of the front porch steps right beside the coon dog’s watering bowl. 1) .Marge had too many tequila shots Saturday night celebrating the "big" promotion. Her mother-in-law makes an unexpected visit, Sunday morning. Marge has a hangover from hell, and opens the door. How should she greet her mother-in-law? Instead of good morning (Redneck slang): Spit your snuff out Gert and come in. I’ll pour us each a shot of tequila to burn the hair off our tongues. (Mother-in-law downed as many shots as Marge did. Marge was smart enough to check out the mother-in-law before she went to the courthouse and married the son.) 2) .Jackie and Kev are celebrating their very first wedding anniversary. They're having dinner, clinking wine glasses when all of a sudden Kev's ex-girlfriend walks up to the table and says, "Kev, I thought that it was you-how are you?" Instead of screaming, "Leave us alone!" (Redneck slang): Well, hello, darlin’. You must be Lois. We’re celebrating a year of happiness. I’ve heard so much about you but no could be that big of a bitch so I didn’t believe a word of it. 3.) Having car trouble again, Sarah walks into work late for the second time this week. Her employer says, "You’re late again!" Instead of, "I'm sorry Mr. T. Rexx" (Redneck slang): My car is female. It has PMS and did not want to fire up this early in the morning. I am female. I have PMS and a gun in my purse and it’s not a good day. Tomorrow is not looking real whoopee either so if you’re goin’ to fire me do it now so I can make the blue light specials at the Wal-Mart store and go file for my unemployment. 4.) Freshly showered you answer the door for the hunky U.P.S. delivery guy. He's bringing you Carolyn Brown's latest novel, the you ordered from B&N online. Upon opening the door, he greets you with a smile that would power an entire town during a power outage. Instead of mumbling incoherently, "I, uh...should, thanks...do I need to...I mean do you, sign that" (Redneck slang): Ooops! That towel just fell right off my body. Please put that package on the table. We’ll tear into it and see if you look anything like Griffin Luckadeau with your shirt all unbuttoned. 5.) After much deliberation, hesitation, and several other-ations Vicky attends her 10 year high school reunion. Upon entering the reception hall, (Lisa) her old cheerleading captain walks up to Vicky, and exclaims, "Oh, my gosh--you are so fat!" Instead of giving Lisa a right hook to the jaw… (Redneck slang): Well, sweetheart that stuff hanging on your ass ain’t seen exercise since we were doin’ the splits at the football games, either. And from old fat cheerleader to another, yellow Spandex is not your friend. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic. "What's logic?" the first redneck asked. The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" said the redneck. The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck was catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logiy I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend. "Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "You're queer, ain't ya?" ~ Terry ~
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2011-04-14 4-58-28-

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